On How Love Is:
The Complications of S-E-X

Written by: Billy Winn

 

Why does the introduction of sex always seem to complicate things?! It’s a question I’ve asked myself time and time again—never seeming to find an answer that satisfies the circumstances. A relationship that has not yet made it to romance could be going in the perfect direction for romance—then, out of nowhere, the act of sex changes the perspectives of everyone involved, leaving the situation in utter ruin. It’s happened to me time after time, and, as I once again find myself surveying not just mine, but the circumstances of others, I wonder if the question isn’t “Why does sex complicate things?” but rather “Why do we allow it to?”

 

We allow sex to complicate our lives and our relationships because we use it like a bargaining chip—instead of allowing things to play out naturally, we use sex to jump the gun, only to find ourselves heartbroken when we don’t get what we were looking for.

 

We started off as friends—sharing many of the same interests, frequenting the same places, and running in the same social circles, so upon first glance it looked like it could be a match made in heaven. For whatever reason, though, the relationship stalled at a friendship, which is by no means a bad thing, but the thought of taking it to another level still loomed large. Neither of us shared our feelings out right—perhaps we hinted around to it, but that only proved to be anti-productive, because at the end of the day, we remained just friends. That is of, course, until that faithful night when it became clear we both had feelings that transcended the “friends” line, and, before I knew it, we’d crossed that line, never to return again.

 

I was shocked, but relieved to know someone else had eXperienced what I was going through. It made me stop
and think—for real this time—about our approach to relationships and where eXactly we were going wrong
with it all. My answer: we were going wrong by offering sex with the hopes that love will eventually manifest.

 

What I realized in this situation was that we both did, in fact, have feelings beyond a friendship. But, because we never actually stated what those feelings were, we each assumed that the other felt the same way—when in truth—we were in two different places altogether. While one of us was considering the possibility of love, the other considered the possibility of sex. We both obliged to the latter however, and that’s when the complications took over. I didn’t know this was a situation all too familiar to many, so when I shared it with a friend, I was shocked, but relieved to know someone else had eXperienced what I was going through. It made me stop and think—for real this time—about our approach to relationships and where eXactly we were going wrong with it all. My answer: we were going wrong by offering sex with the hopes that love will eventually manifest.

 

Sex only seems to complicate things—in situations like this one—when we indulge in it without knowing where eXactly we’ll end up. In our minds and in our hearts, we know where we would like to be, but did we share that with the other party before we laid down? Once sex has entered the picture, we assume things are moving in the direction we dream about. We lie to ourselves—not on purpose, but nonetheless, because we never stopped to think about what could be going on in the other person’s mind, nor did we care to ask. We move into “relationship mode”, totally oblivious to what level the other person is on. We allow sex to complicate our lives and our relationships because we use it like a bargaining chip—instead of allowing things to play out naturally, we use sex to jump the gun, only to find ourselves heartbroken when we don’t get what we were looking for. Of course, this is not always the case—but, far too often, sex takes control, sending us spiraling down paths and doing things we never anticipated.

 

Fortunately, though, as complicated as we allow sex to make our relationships, is as easy as it is to fix it so that we don’t find ourselves in the same place over and over—all it takes is communication. As hard as it may be in this day of games that relationships can bring, talking to the person and letting them know where you stand can alleviate a lot of the drama you find the morning after. Telling them where you’re coming from won’t always warrant the result you’re looking for—but, it will save you the heartache of having given up a piece of yourself that could have been saved for the right one, or maybe even the right time. So, to answer the question, yes, sex can complicate relationships. But, at the end of the day, we have the control to deny or allow it such power.

 

 

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